Nightmare Angel
by janya.wrote.nightrose
Summary: Sorry if you read before. I posted chapters 2 and 3, so I had to make a new story to fix it. Chapter 1 is in Edward's POV. He watches Bella while she sleeps and wrestles with conflicting desires. Review for me and I'll come review for you!
1. Monster

Fool.

That is all I can say to myself. Edward Cullen, you are an accursed fool.

So you're in pain. You deserve it. You knew it would hurt, you idiot. But you couldn't leave well enough alone. Couldn't leave her alone. Fool.

Before my mind, my better judgement can stop me, I vault through her window. Imbecile. It doesn't hurt enough, does it? Just this aching hollowness from her window alone isn't enough pain for you? Sick, masochistic lion.

I need it, need the pain, need to see her. Like you need her blood, you monster? You promised her. Can't even give her what you said you would. Can't leave her alone.

It is simple enough for my cursed body to transport itself through the window.

It is open. I wonder why. Surely, she has forgotten me. I have left her alone for six months, two weeks, a day, five hours, six minutes, and forty-three seconds. Forty-four. Forty-five. Not that I'm keeping track, not that every instant the clock ticks by doesn't pierce my soul like a flaming arrow, not that I need her, I want her, I couldn't possibly have told a greater lie than saying I didn't.

And right now all my good reasons, hungry vampires and Jasper, beyond reason, and her wanting to be damned like I am and her beautiful, fragile soul… They have all evaporated.

Because I _see _her. Oh, my angel. She sleeps as she always did, curled on her side. There is only one slight difference. Her arms wrap around her waist. I allow myself an instant to gaze on her face, and see in that moment what I never wanted to. Her face is twisted in pain, as her eyes flicker open with a scream. My mind is gone. It is useless. Pure instinct takes over, and I gather her in my arms. Some slight sliver of consciousness remains, and it berates me.

But I am holding her. So soft, so warm, so precious. I cannot hurt her. Cannot let myself… I must leave.

"Get away!" she orders.

I obey. Her screams do not quiet.

"Dreams. You said you'd leave me alone, liar! Why did you lie to me!"

Why did I lie to her? Why did I ever say I didn't love her? That thought sends pain whimpering through my heart. How could I not love her? And tears stream out of her eyes, gleaming as they run down her cheeks.

"I love you, Edward. Don't leave me! See, you won't stay. Not even in dreams. You never loved me, but why do you hate me? I love you! Don't hurt me again."

Cautiously, I inch back over to the bed.

"I could never hurt you, angel."

"Don't say that. It'll only be worse when I wake up."

I hold her.

"I love you. I'll always love you." So true.

"DON'T SAY THAT!" She is weeping truly now.

What have I done?

I can't see this. What hurts me more, to stay or go? She'll get over you. Give her a while. You need to leave. Go. Don't you love her?

Of course I do! How could my thoughts betray me? I will always love her, always need her.

I make myself a deal.

Come back, Edward. In a month. Another night like this. If she still wants you, still weeps, stay. I stand. It is a compromise I am willing to make with myself. The pain is worth it. I walk to the window.

"No…"

She sobs on the bed as I escape through the window from what I have done.

It hurts me, the echoing resonance of her tears my sensitive ears catch.

But I deserve it.

Monster.


	2. Liar

He said he'd leave me alone-- like he said he loved me.

He said I'd never have to see his damnably perfect face again—like he said he loved me.

He said he'd give me a clean break—like he said he loved me.

He said I was human, I'd get over him—like he said he loved me.

He doesn't love me. He never loved me. If he loved me, how could he do this to me?

I am in so much pain. Every movement hurts. It is unbelievable. Utterly incomprehensible, how much I hurt. I cannot describe the ache. My stomach throbs, my throat contracts, and I feel so hollow. I am missing. He is missing.

I NEED him. He has no right to leave me. No right to lie to me. No right in the world to give me every reason to hate him and yet still, even in tainted memory, gleam with such ideal beauty, interior and exterior, that I cannot help but worship in humbled awe.

And yet even unattainable as he is, I can, I must, go beyond worship. I love him. I should not love him. I am so far from his equal…

And he does not love me. That he has proved. He is not content to leave me broken here. He must torment my dreams also. It's worse than that same nightmare, seeing his face. Hearing his lies. "I love you."

It was all a lie. He never loved me. What right does his gorgeous doppleganger have to invade my tortured dreams, to promise me things he will never deliver?

And even in these most forbidden thoughts, sure to bring pain, even in my mind I cannot say the name. He is beyond my reach, even in dreams. Even in dreams he won't stay.

Why?

Because I'm not good enough.

Could anything be more obvious? Why would he—in all his bewildering perfection—want to be with someone as blindingly normal as me?

He said I was special, that I didn't know my own strengths.

If I'm so strong, why did he leave me?

I'm special, just like he loves me.

The better question is, why do I need him if I can never deserve to have him?

Why did he say he loved me?

Didn't he know how much it would hurt?

I am in pain, in so much pain. Like my soul is being ripped to pieces, like I am empty. He took what made me real. I was a person before I met him. I was more while he said he loved me. Now I am a shadow.

He never loved me.

The lies didn't hurt. But, oh God, the truth hurts. So much. It wouldn't hurt if I had never been deceived.

He is not content with one deception. He must return to falsify my dreams. He never loved me. He said it a hundred times, and it was never true.

He loves me?

Ridiculous.

He loved me?

No way.

He can say it over and over in inescapable dreams, but it will never be true.

I have every reason, but as I kneel here on the floor, supplicating my personal god, I cannot hate him.

Because he is beautiful, and good, and true, to all but me.

And because he once said he loved me.

Liar.


	3. Traitor

The hours ache.

It is not a dull pain, my loneliness. I would not have you think that. It is anything but. Every second burns, yet after a while, the excrutiating instants meld together in a single throbbing mass, like a slowly festering wound, itching and burning around the edges.

I need her.

God, I need her.

Please, God, I need her.

Let me have her.

Let me hold her.

What are you thinking?

Asking for her?

You made a deal. Only if she's in pain will you return. Do you want her to hurt so much that a monster's company is the best thing for her?

No! Of course not. Have I not sacrificed a million moments that such an angel might be safe?

Love again, angel.

Angels and monsters have no kinship. What could she want from me?

Yes, whispers the traitor within. Yes, let her writhe. Because then she can be yours, without guilt, without pain knowing she may suffer. Let one month's agony bring end to your eternity's worth.

But one instant of her suffering is worth an eon of mine! She is precious, and I am vile. How could I wish even such fleeting harm upon one I love?

I am worse than a monster. I am a traitor.

I have put her in danger, her.

I have admitted I would see her hurt!

What have I done?

That monstrous whisper in my mind speaks again. What new betrayal does it bring?

Nothing. She needs you. Go back now, not in a month.

No.

I will wait.

But, the traitor cries, the pain!

It is for her. I will endure it.

And because not even the traitor dares question the sacrifices I will make for Bella, it is silent. It makes no more protestations, and I am free to slump to the dingy floor. I do not recall standing.

In fact, my memories blanked as I flew from her blessed company.

I am unsure of even what nation I am in.

Not that it matters.

This small attic room is one of hundreds, restless spaces made torture chambers by my presence, made prisons for my hopes, made a sepulcher for my love.

No! Those are the traitor's words. My love needs no tomb, for it will never die. But the one I love will. And I will follow. I will not damn her to forever. _Forever_. Without her. Alone, with this agony.

There is only so much pain one can take, in my knowledge. After a while, it simply becomes a fact. It is no longer intolerable. I recall the second day of my transformation, my damnation. I thought at first the torture was over, for a blessed second. Yet my veins still burned. I suppose my body had simply realized the pain was not going to go away. So my mind no longer processed it.

This is not happening now. There is no end in sight, no end even conceivable. This is a very physical anguish, yet even if I were not crumbling within, I would know pain. I am consumed with guilt, for what I've done, for my every thought, for my crimes, for the traitor in my mind that will not quiet.

_Go back, go back, go back_ is its mantra.

No, I will not. Do you hear me?

Clearly not, as you do not quiet.

Oh, how I hate you.

Traitor.


	4. Manipulator

I am so alone. Why did he have to go? Why did he have to return and leave again?

Why does he even bother tormenting me? I am less than nothing. I am so low that he shouldn't think of me twice. He is everything and I am nothing. Less. He should be happy. Why isn't he?

He's trying to make me believe him, isn't he. He knows what effect everything he does will have. He is too intelligent to do otherwise. He is manipulating me.

I never would have suspected he could be so cruel. Then again, I never would have suspected he would leave me. I did, I knew I wasn't good enough, but I couldn't help but believe anything whispered in that velvet voice.

I'm waiting for him, now. That's all there is left of my life. I know he won't come back. It isn't like I have a guarantee. "Your true love will come back, better than ever, in six days, or your agony back!!"

He's doing this on purpose. To hurt me. And it's working. I wouldn't have thought such obvious cruelty lay behind that perfect face. Can I even believe it of him? All the evidence seems to point toward this path that would leave me no choice but to hate him…

But I love him. I always will. He cannot help that, with any amount of indifference or even the spite now evidencing itself. There is nothing I can do. He knows that, and he uses it.

Why is he doing this? Why does he bother? Why does he care enough to trick me?

He is trying to talk me into trusting him. It won't work, angel. You can't fool me. I know I am unloved and unloveable. So you can just stop wasting your infinitely valuable time, beloved one. I won't fall for it, no matter how much velvet you case the lies in.

I know how normal I am, and how sublime you are. Don't keep trying, love. Don't bother.

Why can't I stop waiting? Why can't I move on? Oh, why? Why why why why why why why!!! Why can't I be good enough for him to come back, for him to care? Why are my dreams torturing me too? Oh, why!

Maybe that's why. He's trying to make me hate him so he won't feel bad about having left me. That's it. Oh, angel, have no guilt. I never deserved you. No need to worry about taking that blessing from me. No need to have guilt. No one could ever deserve you.

Stop coming here? Is that what I want? Part of me would give up your lying beauty to assuage the pain, but I don't think the larger one would. I think that just to see you, to hear you whisper that you love me, I think that would be enough. No matter how much it hurts. So come back to my window. Say whatever lies you want. I will take them.

That is how deeply I am under your control.

You have truly woven your spell well.

Manipulator.


	5. Weakling

I used to think I was strong. Not physically, though I am, but mentally. All my siblings, even Carlisle, my father, the most controlled man I know, needed things. Needed each other. Carlisle needs Esme, Rosalie needs Emmett, Alice and Jasper need each other. I didn't need anyone. Even my physical need for blood I can control. I am so rarely tempted.

And then Bella changed all that.

I was physically seventeen when I met her, but I was a man. I thought with my head. She turned me back into an adolescent, a mere child. I couldn't do what was right. My heart needed her, and it was in control.

I used to think I was strong, before I met Bella. She changed me into a needy, weak boy, and I was so glad.

Because I love her.

I cannot live without her. That is the simple truth. What is right does not matter. What matters is her, and I need her.

Her presence, her beauty, her happiness, her life, her precious love.

Which I threw away.

A thousand times a fool! She loved me! I had the most precious thing in all the world, and I told her I did not want it! I broke that beautiful, delicate heart, laid so trustingly in my callous, monstrous hands.

I never deserved that love, and I know I deserve it even less now, having once abandoned its giver.

But I need it, and I cannot help that. I cannot live without Bella.

I need. I need.

I wonder if she can still love me. She said she did, but that was in a dream. Maybe she has changed her mind in the painful month since, the thirty worst days of my life.

Or maybe she was dreaming a memory. I am not all that familiar with the workings of unconsciousness. Perhaps that was but a dream of our past love. The first days must have hurt her, the first days I was without her. I did see her in pain when I left, though she tried to hide it.

Maybe she doesn't love me anymore.

Maybe that sweet love has changed to the hate I so richly deserve.

But I cannot live without trying. I cannot simply wait and wait and let my heart break. I cannot live without her.

I will go back.

My thirty days are up. I told myself this was acceptable. I am returning.

And even though I am almost certain she will not forgive me, though I suspect my Bella is no longer mine (and whose fault is that?) I must go.

_Love goes toward love as schoolboys from their books_

_But love from love toward school with heavy looks._

Romeo, I know what you mean. You are a fool, but not a monster, so blessed. But you are almost as weak as me. You cannot stay away. Even though I know this is wrong, I cannot stop myself.

I am rejoicing, despite the heavy guilt.

I pick up my phone, knowing my siblings will be ridiculously pleased at my failure.

The phone rings once, and I hear my father's voice.

"Edward, are you all right?"

"Do you really expect me to be?"

"Alice just had a vision. You know my opinion."

"Yes." I am terse. He wants me to change her, and I will never do that.

"Edward, I know how hard this is for you."

"No you don't." It is childish, but I want him to understand that I am totally alone in my pain.

"Yes I do. I'm not going to bicker with my own son, so I'm just going to tell you. I know we don't talk about this, but I suffered when you left, both all those years ago and now. You may not think it can compare, but it does. Edward, go back. Please."

"I must."

"This isn't weakness. Love isn't weakness. It's strength. Call us again soon."

"I'll call if it goes well."

And if she can't forgive me?

I don't think I can live without her.

"If it doesn't go well… Alice says it will, but if something changes, come here. Don't go to Italy. We want to see you at least once more."

I hear two voices in the background.

Alice calls "Are you implying that _I _could be wrong?"

And Emmett screams "Damn it, Carlisle, I am not going to help my little brother kill himself!"

"I can't live without her," I whisper, and click the phone closed. Never have truer words been spoken. As much as I might despise myself for it, I need her.

Weakling.


	6. Jailer

I am awake this time. I know that. It is four in the afternoon, and I am chopping onions for dinner.

Each click of the blade seems to match the throb of my heart. Slow, agonized, broken. The onions make my eyes sting, but I do not cry. That pain is so insignificant compared to my empty heart.

Suddenly, I am in his presence. I know it even before I see him. I do not turn. He is the one who must make the first move. We are both aware of that, painfully so. Yet I can sense him, because my heart stops hurting. It does not matter that he doesn't want me, that I am no more special than I ever was, because he is here. So long as he remains, I am safe. The pain will return, but it is so amazing to be without it.

I can breathe. My heart is beating.

It is incredible. Even though nothing has changed, even though he does not want me, never wanted me! None of that matters. I wonder if I could convince him to stay in town, to allow me to occasionally gaze upon his perfection. Surely that would keep the pain away?

I am not worthy of that, but he is so good. He will, out of guilt or regret, out of sorrow. And so I could not ask, because I can never hurt him.

"Bella," he whispers, "please, look at me."

I never thought I would again have the privilege of gazing on his face. If you asked me this morning, I would have crumpled in pain at the mere suggestion. Yet… I am so glad. Quickly, my starved eyes feast on his perfection.

His hair, darkened by rain, red-brown and slightly spiked, is falling across his marble face, dried to the wide expanse of pale forehead. Below that, perfect eyebrows arch, highlighting his eyes. My heart breaks as I look into them. The look there terrifies. What if he tries to lie again, like he did in that dream? I don't think I can take it while looking at these beautiful eyes, full of lying love. His lashes, ridiculously long, do not close. He is not blinking, so I have not even an instant's respite from the hypnotic force of his topaz eyes. The rest of his features, chiseled perfection beneath the icy-white skin, hold little interest in comparison to his eyes.

I am sure that they will star in my nightmares tonight, and the thought scares me.

"Bella, is something wrong?" What a ridiculous question! Like anything could be wrong while he is here! Everything is right. It is when he leaves that things will go wrong, and I wince at the pain that lies down that path. I cannot live without him. I have realized that in these hideous months, and I know this is the last straw. I have used up all my effort. I lived for Charlie, but I can't go on. All my will is spent. All I really have left is a few minutes to gaze on his face. I wonder why he has returned.

I cannot go on. When he leaves, I will have to kill myself. The thought is comforting. I just want the pain to end, at this point. What better final memory than of seeing him, no matter what further tortures he brings with words or deeds? His presence is enough.

I won't tell him. He'll feel guilty, obligated to stay, and he'll be miserable. I'd so much rather live an eternity with this pain (though I wince at the thought) than see him stuck with me, miserable, loathing me. I am in love with him, but I know what will happen. We were never meant to be together.

I wonder why he ever so much as noticed me. Then I see his eyes on mine, anxious, a shining golden hue indescribable.

"Edward." I whisper his name, those precious, forbidden syllables, and everything goes black.

His eyes torture me in unconsciousness. I can see the coldness of them now, as I sleep, desperate to wake up, to see him again. I try to force myself up, but he keeps me imprisoned. This unrequited love is a jail. He holds the key.

Jailer.


	7. Animal

Her unconscious form is soft in my arms, totally prone. The most precious thing in the world is in my arms now. Bella.

Oh, I love her. So much! My heart throbs. It is overflowing. For a moment, I am whole.

Why did I ever leave? How could I have thought I had the strength? How could it be wrong to love her if it feels so right?

It is even worse than when she screamed in her sleep, to have her in my arms, her body smaller than ever, her eyes ringed with great purple rings. She looks like me, only warm and soft and precious.

Bella.

My angel, my only love.

What have I done?

Why won't she wake up?

My life will end if I cannot have her. I can't go on without her love. I need Bella, need every part of her, need to be a part of her, and if she is smart, if she refuses to let a monster like me back into her life, I will end myself.

Emmett won't help, but Carlisle might. Maybe Jasper, too. And Rose. She'd agree that life isn't worth living without love. But the three of them wouldn't be enough to finish me off and restrain Alice, Esme, and Emmett. Besides, it's unfair to expect my family to suffer because of my stupidity, my cruelty.

I can't tell Bella of my plans, not even to try to get back in her life. If only she would permit me to see her, to be her friend or even just her classmate! I don't expect her love again. That is something I could never even ask for.

But I can't tell her, because then she'll let me stay. And that's wrong!

But I have to do anything, absolutely anything, I can, because I need her so deeply.

But I need her to be happy!

I can make her happy.

But I need to protect her!

That I cannot guarantee.

But I need her! I cannot live without her!

Then don't, you fool. Don't.

Go to Carlisle like the weak child you are, tell the man who saved you and loved you and is the best of everything you are, go tell him that you need to die.

Explain to Esme, your mother, who adores you, who has already lost a child and suffered so much, and tell her that you want to do what she attempted all those years ago.

Inform Emmett that the jokes and companionship are over, that the love between brothers is nothing compared to what you've lost.

Let Jasper know that you're sorry, but you can't stay to stop him from accidentally killing others any more because you're off to go kill yourself.

Tell Alice that whatever vision she's had is true, that you really are going to end your life, that you really don't want to be talked out of it.

Convince Rosalie that you really did love Bella, that you can't just get over it, that this is a love that, on your part, can only end with death.

The same thing, really. Having to break it to the people who you've loved and supported, who've forgiven you and taught you, your family in every way that counts, that them giving everything they had to you for all these years wasn't enough, that you're just going to throw it away.

I can't live without her.

But I can't expect her to take me back.

I'm not even sure I want her to, even knowing the agony that awaits for my family and myself. And so I'm caught. Caught between what I want and what I should want, what I need so desperately and what is right.

Death is the only way out, yet even suicide isn't painless. I am stuck in this trap, like the beast I am.

Once, she called me an angel, but I broke her heart.

Now, as I hold the real angel in my arms, waiting for her verdict, I am not even a monster. I am trapped between two evils, and there is no way out. I know what I am.

Simple, selfish, consumed by thirst and desire.

Animal.


	8. Killer

I awaken in his arms, something I never thought I'd do again. I am ecstatic, no matter how much it hurts later. My heart is pounding in my chest, my breath coming heavy, my senses overly alert. I'd forgotten, or rather not permitted myself to remember, what an effect Edward had on me. Edward.

I can think the name! Edward!

What better way to spend my final hours on earth! I am healed.

I cannot fight anymore. What is the point? I just want to be with him. I love him.

"Edward."

His eyes burn into mine. "You're awake."

"Yes."

He releases me, pushing both of us to our feet. I ache without his touch. Unconsciously, I reach up a hand to touch his perfect face, before I realize what I am doing. Overstepping the boundaries, risking pain!

Bad, bad, Bella.

"Edward." I stand just a few feet from him, awkwardly face to face on the kitchen floor.

He takes my hand in his, and my heart leaps.

Don't hope, idiot! What are you trying to do to yourself! I thought you were done with pain! Don't bother hoping. What is there to hope for?

"Bella. Bella, what's wrong? You look awful."

That concern could be for anyone, and no doubt I did look awful. Don't you dare hope, Bella!

"I'm fine." My voice convinces no one.

"You're lying."

But I'm not a liar. Not like him! He said he loved me, when he could not possibly. Look at him! He's perfect, and I am underwhelmingly normal. Average in every way. What a ridiculous story. How could I ever have believed it?

Maybe I'm the biggest idiot in the world.

Or else he's the best liar.

"Bella? Bella? Are you all right?"

"Do you expect me to be?"

The words were soft. I had sworn to myself I would not tell him of my suffering, but how could I possibly hide it? The pain permeated every part of my life. He would have found out eventually. Now I just had to end the pain once and for all.

But he didn't sound guilty. He sounded confused. "Yes. What's wrong?"

Everything. Specifically, nothing. All the nothing, surrounding, smothering me! I can't stand the nothing.

"I missed you."

Whoot! Bella wins understatement of the century award!!!!!!

I cannot read the expression on his face. He seems almost confused.

"You missed me?"

"Yes."

This must be the wittiest conversation in the history of the world. I don't want to stand here exchanging monosyllables, I want to throw myself into his arms. I don't want to be careful, I don't want to guard myself against the pain I know will come. I want his arms around me, his lips on mine.

But it is as though something stands between us. Like there is a barrier, a wall, keeping me from what I need. I know what it is. It is his indifference, and it stands impenetrable and eternal. He gazes at me, eyes cool, cold, uncaring, and for the first time I see the monster in his face. For the first time I understand his self-loathing, though I cannot bring myself to adore him any less. As he glares at me, I see the face he has tried so hard to keep away.

He slew my heart, but that is not all.

Killer.


	9. Imbecile

The warmth leaves her eyes suddenly. They are glazed, cold.

What have I done?

We stand so far apart, so stiffly. I will never again be close to her. I will never see the fire of her soul gleam behind her eyes and know that it burns for me.

"It would be best if I left now?"

I add the slightest questioning tone to my voice, though I know she would never want my curst company.

"NO!"

She seems embarrassed at the outburst, and her next words are quieter. The same manic desperation is there, just hidden better.

"Please. Just a little while longer?"

"As long as you want me here. I don't mind."

"I'll always want you. Forever."

They are familiar words, and they ring softly in my hollow heart. Could it be that my angel is still mine?

"Then I shall remain here. Forever."

She has lifted the knife and returned to chopping the revolting human sustenance, breaking the awkward tension between us, but at my words she whirls and points the knife at me.

"Don't you dare lie to me again, Edward. Don't. I don't expect forever. I know you don't want me. Just don't lie to me any more. I won't survive it."

I feel as though I have been punched in the gut, as though the fire of Carlisle's venom is racing through my veins once again, leaving a painful icy numbness in its wake.

"All this time, you believed me? You actually thought I didn't want you?"

"Didn't _love_ me, yes. Never loved me. Why are you here?"

"Because I could not go on. I'd taken as much as I could, Bella. I can not go on without you."

"Don't lie to me!" she screams, beautiful in her fury.

"I am not lying. Bella, I always have loved you, and I always will. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, to return what I so cruelly and thoughtlessly discarded, but I had to try, Bella. Please. Please, I love you. Please, I need you. Please, forgive me. Let me be your friend, at least. Please, please, please."

"Don't lie to me," she whispers this time, eyes squeezing shut.

I fall to my knees in front of her. "Bella, I am not lying. I am telling the world's greatest truth. I have and will always love you, Isabella. I want nothing more than to spend forever with you."

I realize something in that instant. Maybe I can prove something to her. It is the most selfish act I could possibly commit, but I have to try. "Bella, if you'll only believe me--- I love you forever. Will you allow me to prove it to you? May I change you?"

The knife clatters to the floor. "This is cruel. I never would have suspected it of you. It was bad enough in the dream, torturing me, breaking what was left of my heart. Now it's just sick. I thought there was nothing else you could take from me."

"What did I take?" I thought I had tried to give her a life. It had failed, and now I was trying to steal something from her, but I didn't remember taking something from her.

"Well, first off, you took my pictures. And my lullaby. Might have hurt a tiny bit less if I at least had a memory. You never asked me if I wanted a clean break! I don't expect you to stay, but I will never forget you! Second, you took my heart. Do you know what I've been throu…" The anger made her shake, but she clamped a hand over her irate mouth. Like she was keeping something from me.

"Bella, I never took your things."

"Like hell you didn't!"

"They're right under your floorboards."

Suddenly, she burst into tears.

"Edward, why?"

"Excuse me?"

"Why do you hate me so much?"

What a bewildering question. "Hate you?"

"Why do you keep hurting me? Edward, stop. Please. You can kill me, if that would make you happy. I'll give you my blood. Kill two birds with one stone. It's the only thing I could possibly offer you, and then I won't have to suffer anymore. I was going to try to keep the pain from you, try to trick you into thinking I was all right, but since I'm going to die anyway…"

My breath fell away. "What are you saying? Bella, I swear! I know I am a lying monster, but I swear I will never hurt you! I swear I never meant to! I love you! I could never, never kill you. And what do you mean you're dying?"

"I meant to keep that from you too. I'm going to kill myself when you leave me, so you might as well get some benefit out of it. I can't take it anymore."

"Take what?" Perhaps the agony and terror were dulling my mind, but I could not comprehend my angel's words.

"The pain. I can't go on like this. It hurts too much. I've spent my will, trying to live for Charlie. I hope he won't hate me. Edward, I can't do this any more. Stop lying to me. Say whatever you came to say, and get the hell out of my life. Or death. Why don't you just finish me off? You already took everything worth living for."

"What was that?"

"You."

What have I done! What have I done! Bella, Bella my angel! She was not supposed to suffer, not at all! She was supposed to move on, and here I have broken her, shattered her! My love is hurt. She does not trust me, thinks I hate her. What have I done!

"Bella, please believe me. Please. I love you. I love you so much. I'm so, so sorry, Bella. I left because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal life. I wanted you to be happy. I never, never wanted you to suffer. I am cruel and foolish and a monster. You're right. I don't deserve to beg for your forgiveness, but I must. I swore to myself I wouldn't tell you this… Bella, if you hate me, if you want me gone, I will go. To Italy."

The guilt is swelling, consuming me. I have hurt her. I am unforgivable. Death will be a relief.

"No! Why would you do that over someone as utterly insignificant as me?"

"Insignificant! You are the most precious thing in the world. Bella, I don't know what I can do to regain your trust. I know I don't deserve it. But I can't live without you. Bella, I'm still in love with you. Madly, insanely in love. I lied to protect you, to try and keep my world from hurting you any more. I can't go on without you, though. I feel awful, absolutely awful. I shouldn't have left. I shouldn't have come back. But I have no choice. I'm not strong enough to fight anymore. I need you to love me. Bella, please. Please forgive me. Let me be your friend, at least? Is there any way I could ever regain your love?"

Of course not. I threw it away! How could I expect forgiveness?

How can I ever earn back what I have given up?

Stupid doesn't even begin to cover me.

How could I cast this beautiful, wonderful girl aside?

Imbecile.


	10. OathBreaker

"Edward, I can't. I'm so sorry but I can't. I love you, but I can't. Not for one more minute can I be without you. Please, just kill me. Please. Don't make me live. I can't do it. I've given everything I have, trying to go on without you. You've taken it all. And I just can't do this, Edward. I don't have it in me."

"I don't expect you to trust me."

"I trust you." Always, in every way. I have to. He's the only one I will ever believe in again. "I just don't trust myself, to be enough, to keep you here. I can't do it. Don't make me try. I cannot live without my life. I cannot live without my soul." I was certain he would recognize the quote from my favorite book, _Wuthering Heights_.

"Bella, don't make me go. I'll die without you."

I couldn't believe him. Couldn't. "I'm already dead. I'm nothing more than a shell filled with pain. Don't make me go on."

"Is there no way I can prove my love to you? Anything. I'll do anything."

There was one thing I needed. Him. But he could never again be mine. No matter what he said, I couldn't believe it. The pain was so close, and it could swallow me up, would devour me, the instant he was gone. And I couldn't stand it. Couldn't do this again. No matter what he said, I couldn't open myself up to that suffering. Better to die. Better to end it, once and for all. I don't believe a word he says, so I know he will be relieved to know I'm gone, that what must have been a source of guilt is finally finished.

And for me? I will die. And soon. I can't do this for one more day. I want him to be here. If the way my torment ends is with his lips at my throat, well, I can pretend it's a kiss. If all he ever wants of me is my blood, at least my life can stay within him. What better way to die than at the hands of the one who has slain me already.

"Kill me. Please."

"No! I can't do that. Bella, I can't end your life. That's why I left in the first place, so you could be safe."

"You left because I'm worthless. You left because you never loved me. And I can't live without your love."

"I suppose it's a good thing I am in love with you, then."

"Don't. Don't lie to me."

He grabs me, gently, and pulls me with tender but irresistible force to his side. "Bella, I could never lie to you."

"Then I guess you weren't lying when you said you didn't love me."

"I said I didn't want you. Which was true." My guerilla hope shattered with his words, yet he continued. The pain almost overwhelmed me, despite his beautiful touch. "I didn't want you to suffer. Didn't want to cause you pain."

I laughed, a terse, pained sound. "I believe that. Especially since I haven't slept a night without nightmares, since I haven't gone one instant without seeing your face and almost dying. Well, I suppose there's been one time too many. Edward, I can't trust you. I don't have it in me. I'm sorry, and I love you, but I can't do that. You said you'd do anything?"

He nodded eagerly, the hope in his eyes so beautiful my heart almost burst.

"Do this. Kill me. I want to die, and I want you to be the one to end my life. You've already almost done it. Shouldn't you follow through?"

His face darkened. "I can't. I am incapable of hurting you."

I laughed again. "Right. Which is of course why I'm attempting to convince you to aid in my suicide? Because you can't hurt me?"

His eyes twisted in something akin to agony. That is an emotion I am most familiar with.

"Please, Edward. If you love me, you'll make the pain stop. I'm going to die either way. Just do this one thing. For me."

It would never work. Why would he care if I wanted something? Why would my undesirable love be a motivator for _him_?

And yet, inexplicably, something like resolve streaked across his face.

"All right. If death will convince you- maybe in the afterlife you will believe me. Because I won't go on without you."

"No! No, you have to. Live. For Carlisle and Esme and Emmett and Jasper and Rosalie and Alice! Live for them like I've been trying to live for Charlie. Live for me. Do this, please. Because even vampires don't live forever. Sooner or later, you'll come to wherever I am. And then I'll believe you. Please, Edward. Please."

He bowed his head. A single sob escaped, though he had no tears. "I suppose that's a fair penance. Very well. If you want me to go through eternity with your blood on my hands, alone, I will. For you, Bella. I love you."

And again, I almost believed him. But the pain was there, the hole ready to consume me. I couldn't let that happen. "Thank you," I whispered, and he smiled.

It was a perfect smile, but yet not a smile at all. "Anything for you."

"This is all I want." It's all I trust myself enough to ask for.

"I promise, I won't make you suffer again."

"Go ahead."

His eyes close, and I see him swallow. In my final second, I feast my eyes on his beauty.

"Edward, I love you," I whisper, just as I feel the sharpness of his teeth on my throat. Pain begins to burn through my body, slowly, fierce. I realize what has happened suddenly and with great fury. He isn't killing me at all. Now I'm going to suffer forever. I scream, more from rage than from pain. As the agony becomes too bad for me to see, I look on his face, blurring in my strained vision.

He promised.

Oath-breaker.


	11. Thief

My teeth pierce her skin. It is so soft, like butter.

Then I taste her blood. It flows over my tongue, surrounding it, soothing my parched throat. She is so sweet. It is like I am tasting my angel's soul. Delicate, delicious, perfect. How can I ever stop?

Why should I stop? This is what she wants. She _wants_ me to drink this all, to let the precious liquid finish my thirst, flow into me, become a part of me forever. What could be romantic than having the one you love within you?

No. I will not kill her. How can it be right to end the life of the one I love? I cannot live with her blood on my hands, or rather in my body. I must let her live. I love her.

It is so true. And that truth shines so good, so pure, that somehow I, weak as I am, find the strength to pull away, to lick only a single drop more of her sweet, sweet blood.

She will live, now forever. I have done what she once wanted. If only I'd listened then! If only I'd changed her when she first wanted me to. Then we would be together forever, and she would never have suffered.

Never have suffered! What a ridiculous thing to think, when she is being consumed by my fiery venom as we speak.

Yet I cannot live without her.

"I love you too," I whisper, but I am certain she cannot hear me. I can see the pain burning her, destroying her. Have I done the right thing?

The selfish part of me is certain I am right. After all, now I have eternity to win her love.

The other part? Not so much. I have defied the wishes of my angel.

_Not really,_ I lie. _She is dead now, just as dead as you._

As though she can sense my falsehood, Bella screams.

"Fire! I'm on fire. Help! Someone help!"

But she does not call my name. I can't even begin to say how much that hurts. Once, when this venom burnt through her, she cried for my help. Now I suppose she does not even want me near.

She talks to herself, a feverish muttering, just as she does when asleep.

"It's not as bad. It hurts, but it's not as bad. Not as bad- AH! Not as bad."

There is a tremendous, almost furious power in her voice.

"AHHH!! Not as bad."

_Not as bad as what?_ I wonder. What could hurt more than this?

"Nowhere near as bad. And this will end. And then I'll be alone again. But maybe he'll want me then. Then I'll be beautiful. Not as _BAD!_"

The answer to the question I posed comes tumbling into my mind, and I too am in agony. I remember very clearly the pain of being changed. For Bella, my leaving was worse. How could I do this?

How could I cause her pain?

I broke my promise to her.  
And now I have damned her to forever.

What have I done?

I hold her close to me as she flails in agony. Oh, my angel. What have I done?

I have broken my promise to do the one thing that would win back her love. I have violated the deal that would prove my devotion. I have taken the soul of the most wonderful thing in the world. Now she is dying before me, her soul consumed by the flames. I scream with her as the change burns. What have I done?

I have broken her heart. I have lied to her. I have killed her. I have stolen her soul. I have consigned her to further agony. I have probably convinced her that I am nothing more than a liar, tricking her, never having loved her.

But that is the one sin I have not committed. My love is eternally pure, Bella. It will always be yours.

Even having stolen your life, your heart, your future, your soul. I do it all because I love you.

This has all made me one lowly thing. I have taken it all from my angel.

Thief.


	12. Sadist

He has betrayed me. He has, by letting me live, proved that he never loved me. That is far worse than the venom. That is why I scream.

And scream.

This final lie burns worse than the fire.

But still, it is not nearly as bad as when he first left me. Not nearly as bad. That is what gets me through the painful days, I believe. Remembering the worse pain, soothing myself with this anesthetic. It is not as bad. Despite the sting of the betrayal and the physical agony, he is here.

I have no idea why he is staying. He has proven he never loves me. Why does he bother wasting his time here? Watching me scream can't be that interesting. What's the point of this?

Sick, masochistic lion. Maybe the second part was a total lie. Maybe he's a sadist. Is that why he's sitting here, coolly observing my pain?

I try to open my eyes to see the expression on his face, but the pain has made me hideously weary. I can't possibly do anything but lie here and weep.

I begin to sob, and I feel cautious cold hands on my burning skin. I hear his perfect voice.

"Bella. Oh, Bella, I'm so sorry. I've made another mistake, haven't I? Done something wrong. Thrown away the only thing that will ever matter to me. Bella, I love you. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I just couldn't. Couldn't face forever without you. I love you. I love you so much. Why can't I make you trust me? No, I know the answer to that. I don't deserve your trust. I love you. But I keep betraying you. Why is that? Why can't I get back to the way it was before I left you? Is that mistake going to torture me forever? I can't do it. I can't live without you, Bella. I know you think I did this because… well, I don't know what you think, but I bet you don't believe it's the true reason. I changed you because _I am in love with you._ Bella, please forgive me. Please."

What if he's not lying? Maybe it does make more sense than that he'd defy all those years of resisting human blood, of trying to be good, just to torment one insignificant human.

Makes more sense than him loving me?

Ridiculous. That makes the least sense out of anything ever. Why would he love me? Why would he care? He must just enjoy my suffering, that's all. Makes more sense than him loving me.

Why would he think twice about me?

The only reason I ever doubted his indifference is laughably obvious now. My mind's barrier is dulled by the physical pain, leaving me open to the infinitely worse kind that will result from him leaving yet again.

I wonder how on Earth I'm going to suffer through eternity. Maybe I can convince him to stay. Maybe I'll be beautiful as a vampire, beautiful enough that he'll look twice at me. Maybe he really did love me, he just got bored. How understandable. Maybe once I'm as perfect as he is, he'll stay.

But I can't believe that. What draw could even a physically perfected me hold for him? Because he'll still be intelligent and charismatic and good. I cannot, no matter what further epiphanies occur, see him as anything but the brightest sun of my life. I will always, always love him. Even if all he wants is to see me suffer for some inexplicable reason, I will welcome the pain.

It brings the greatest gift of all.

It brings him happiness.

Sadist.


	13. Murderer

The guilt overwhelms. Four days of agony. It takes a very long time for Bella to turn. My transformation was only three days long.

I scream as she screams, I weep as she weeps.

Because she is being hurt.

And because I know she will never forgive me.

She cannot. I am unforgivable. She gave me a chance I didn't deserve, and I betrayed it. I betrayed her, I broke her heart again. I do not deserve to breathe. I do not deserve to be in her presence, but she screams if I try to leave.

Maybe she will allow me to stay. If she does not hate me… ridiculous. Why wouldn't she hate me? What have I done to deserve more than her utmost loathing?

Once I had her love and I discarded it like so much trash. Why?

Because I feared that this would someday happen, that I would change her and she would hate me.

I love you, Bella. Only living without your love has made me realize just how true that is. I love you, Bella. I love you.

I wonder what I can do to earn her forgiveness. For everything. I know I will never receive my own, yet my Bella is so good and kind, so forgiving and full of love that I hope I may someday be forgiven. I know she will never trust me again, but maybe I will be allowed to stay near her.

My half-hopeful musings are interrupted by the stealthy entrance of Carlisle.

"Good to see you, Edward." _My poor Edward. Oh, if only there was something I could do…_

"Hello, Carlisle."

"You're changing Bella." _Alice saw the whole thing. I'm not sure what I think…_

"Yes." My eyes close without a conscious signal. The guilt again overwhelms.

"You can't live without her."

"I can't expect her forgiveness, not after everything I've done."

He smiles without humor. "Yes, you can. Love does incredible things, Edward, and Bella loves you. That I do know. Now, Bella's going to be able to hear us soon. I'm here to talk to her myself. Would you like to stay?"

"I'd like to be as close to her as I can every minute of every day."

"All right. Alice, Esme, and Emmett are coming too. Bella may be angry."

"She has every right to be."

"I know."

The words hurt, but I deserve it. I deserve every pain of every minute. I deserve it all. I will deserve it so well when Bella tells me to get away from her, that she never wants to see my face again. But she said she loved me…

That was before you slew that love.

My father and I watch her in silence as the screams grow less and less frequent. Though none is voiced, I can hear the disappointment in Carlisle's thoughts. _I wish he didn't hate himself. My son is a good man._

Carlisle is wrong. I am not good. I am the very opposite.

I have taken her trust and killed it. I have destroyed her heart and her life and most likely her soul.

Murderer.


	14. Egotist

"She can hear us," Alice said quite clearly. Her melodic voice shattered the fading pain.

"Alice!" I stood. "Oh! I've missed you so much!" I ran to her, and felt her arms, no longer cold, close around me.

"I'm so sorry, Bella."

"What do _you_ have to be sorry for?"

"For not talking my idiot brother out of, first, leaving you, and second, biting you. I mean, he could have waited a week, right? I know he loves you and everything but after all the trouble he's given everyone to keep you human, he goes and does _this._ Oh well, at least…"

"He doesn't love me, Alice."

"Yes, I do!"

It was his perfect voice. I hadn't even noticed the presence of my false angel, or the other three vampires.

"Darling Bella, I've missed you so," Esme said, embracing me.

Carlisle smiled.

Emmett pounded me enthusiastically on the back, and I was surprised that even his considerable might caused no pain.

Edward simply gazed at me.

"I'm so glad to see you again. I've missed you all."

But not as much as I missed him. He is my life.

"Edward, that's a really bad idea," Alice warns cryptically.

"What?" I say, and Edward looks away.

"He was going to try to explain what he did. I saw what your reaction would be."

"Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Emmett, would you excuse me? I need a moment with Bella," he interrupted, and the four members of my found family melted away.

He turned to face me. Childishly, I turned away.

"I will not ask you to forgive me. I will not ask you to tolerate my presence. I will not ask you if you even can. I will tell you one thing, if I may."

I remained silent as my heart shattered. All his pretty words disguised one thing. I loved him, and he didn't love me.

"Bella, I love you. I changed you because I'm in love with you. I couldn't bear the thought of killing you, of living without you. I won't ask you to understand. I suppose I'll just go live by myself. But I had to have you live, Bella. I needed you to live."

I need him to live. In order to live, I need him.

"That's all. I'm so sorry. Good-bye."

I felt a rage boil in my stomach. He was leaving. Leaving. Again. My nightmares replayed this moment, my suppressed daydreams causing chills with the agony. He was not going to do this to me again!

Without even thinking, I threw myself at him. If he had struggled or even just stepped aside, I think the love might have disappeared forever, or at least be so twisted by pain that I could never forgive.

Instead, he wrapped his arms, cool and strong, around me, allowing himself to fall, but pushing me with him. He takes the weight of our fall, yet holds me close.

I feel the rage turn to a great weary sorrow. I love him.

It is a burden, this love, so heavy that I do not think I can bear it. I need him to take some of the weight. I need him in so many ways.

I push against him and start to sob. He holds me against him, but I try to push away. He releases me instantly, and we both stand. I push him to the floor as hard as I can. Astoundingly, he falls. Oh, that's right.

I'm a VAMPIRE now. My bad.

He sits on the floor and stares up at me through those long, long lashes. His reddened eyes stare into my heart.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asks.

"No. I want you to love me."

"I guess we both have what we want, then." He stands and smiles in disbelief.

"Don't. Don't. When you leave…"

His face falls enough that I can see he thought I was won over so easily. That's rich. I'm not quite so helplessly hopelessly madly enamored of him…

Well, I am, but that's besides the point.

Still, it seems like I have self-aggrandizement to add to the long list of "reasons why you shouldn't love him anymore, you idiot."

Egotist.


	15. Thrall

Oh, she is so beautiful. Does she know how stunned I am by her beauty? Does she know how she captivates my unworthy eyes?

"Bella, I swear to God I will never leave you again. On God and on the grave of my mother, I have and will always love you. I will never leave you again. There is nothing I regret more than leaving you. Nothing."

"I fell for your crap once already. Look what became of that. Now I'm going to be alone forever, damnit! Did you ever think that maybe your sick games are the tiniest bit cruel! Did you ever think how much it hurts me every time I have to say that I'm not going to do the thing I want to do more than anything else! I can't believe you love me, Edward. Can't and won't. No luck. You'll have to go rip someone else's life into little broken pieces."

Her agitation was fascinating. Every movement, strong with its righteous rage, pulled me in deeper. It was difficult to frame a coherent sentence. Somehow, I managed. "Bella, there are two options. First, you can trust me. I will prove my love in any way you like. Second, you can order me away, and then we will both wallow in misery for all eternity. I swear I am not playing any game. I just can't live without you, Bella. I need you."

"Prove it. Prove you're not lying."

"Any way you wish."

"Same way as before. Kill me."

The words shattered my still heart. "Why?"

"_I don't want to live without you._ I can't. I need you."

"Then have me!"

"You'll just leave again. I don't want to go through that. You see, you don't love me. Why would an angel like you love _me_?"

"You are an angel."

"Pretty words. You always had them. I remember. Gilded lies. You don't need them, you know. I'd swallow anything that came out of your mouth in that beautiful voice… I'm still in love with you. I always will be. But I can't leave myself unprotected. I can't let you rip up my soul, Edward. Take my body instead."

"But then you're doing to me what I did to you!" Not that I don't deserve it, Angel. I deserve so much worse. But have mercy, beautiful love.

"No. It would only matter if you loved me."

"Exactly! Killing you… what a ridiculous way to prove I love you! I could only do that if I could live without you. And I can't."

Her face hardens. Her beautiful eyes, still deep, now red instead of brown, close in agony. "You've been doing fine all this time."

Her skin is so pale, especially right over her eyes. I can't help but reach out a finger to stroke her face…

She jerks away. "There's something worse than dying, Edward. And that's living without you. Please, kill me. Please."

She will never trust me again. If she can't trust me, I must do as she says. Isn't my own stubbornness what got us here in the first place.

"Very well. I'll go ask Emmett and Carlisle to come in."

Her eyes open. "Thank you," she whispers, and the relief in her voice, the agony in her eyes, the weariness and sorrow…

I am determined. I will do this for her. And then I will follow her to whatever life is after for us. I must.

I am weak and detestable.

But I must do as she commands. I am helpless.

Fascinated, chained, bound.

I cannot break her heart again. I am fastened to this deed.

Thrall.


	16. Fiend

Carlisle walks in, followed by my sister and brother.

"Bella, I am _not _going to let you do this." Emmett stated. He looked quite impressive, too, with the muscles rippling along his other muscles.

"Emmett. What would you do if Rosalie said she didn't love you anymore?"

It was a cruel thing to say. His eyes remained paralyzed, jaw dropping.

"I see your point. Don't expect my help, though. I can't kill my own sister."

"Thank you," I whispered, and the gigantic vampire kissed the top of my hair.

Then he was gone. Alice stared at me.

"You're my best friend, Bella, you know that? Like a sister to me. Do you know what you're asking from me, from all of us? From Edward?"

"I know it isn't fair to you. Why do you think I lived this long? I didn't want to hurt anyone. But I can't do it, Alice. I can't live without him, and now I can't kill myself without help."

"You don't have to live without me, Bella! I swear I love you. I swear it!" Edward interjected. I closed weary eyes.

"I'm leaving, Bella. I can't do this," Alice muttered.

"Good-bye."

"Bye…"

And she too disappeared.

Carlisle was silent. What was there for him to say? I could see quite clearly that he could not kill. Could not break his four-hundred-year streak of self-denial.

"I'm sorry," he said. "To both of you. I cannot live with blood on my hands."

"I know."

Edward and I were alone. He stared at me, shocked, almost awed. "Bella, do you know how beautiful you are?" he asked.

I just laughed. "Nice try."

"I swear I'm not playing games or tricking you. I love you. Is there nothing I can do to prove that?"

"You know what. Go ahead."

He bowed his glorious head, closing perfect eyes. "Very well. I will damn myself to hell still more thoroughly. I will place the blood of an angel on my hands. I will slay my only chance at happiness and wander the world forever alone. Because I love you. I will prove it."

Maybe he isn't lying… ridiculous. Still, this is the only way I can end my life. And I can't go on. I don't have Charlie to live for anymore- I can never see him again. I might as well not live at all.

"May I ask one favor, first?"

I acquiesced.

"Before I kill you, may I have a kiss?"

It would hurt… but it was the one thing he asked of me. And he had agreed to end my suffering. So I nodded, and he stepped closer to me, pressing my body to his, lifting me a few inches off the ground and inclining his face downward to meet my upturned lips.

I did not pass out or pant for breath as I had, human. Yet his lying lips planted doubt in my mind. He is so good at this. Such an excellent manipulator…

And these thoughts were knocked from my head by his lips on mine, pressing firmer.

"Edward, I love you…" I whispered against his mouth.

"I love you," he promised, and I almost believed.

He pulled away and raised a hand, bringing his strong fist crashing on my arm. I felt the flesh tear from my granite body.

He was ripping my physical form into pieces, just as he'd torn my soul.

I watched him sob as he worked, the dry tears falling metaphorically to pool on the ground I imagined. And I realized he had convinced me again. I might just give him another chance, because I couldn't resist him.

Fiend.


	17. Nightmare

"Edward…" she moaned.

She was in pain. I tried to work faster, to not think above all else. Not think about how I'd wanted to hold her, how she could have moaned my name in pleasure, not in agony, how…

"Stop, Edward!"

I instantly obeyed, but I did not allow hope.

I could not hope.

My beloved was little more than torso now, her limbs scattered in pieces on the floor, yet she was still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

"Edward. Don't kill me. At least, not right now. This is officially your last chance."

"Really?" What an imbecilic thing to say. She's just given you the one thing you desire most, oh numb-skulled one, and all you can see is "really?" What about embracing her, caressing her, thanking her and swearing you'll never hurt her again.

"Yes. One more chance."

I tenderly placed her appendages nearer her body, so they could reattach faster.

As she healed, I spoke.

"I'm sorry. Bella, Bella, I'm so sorry. For this, for everything. I only left because I'm not good for you. I left because I love you and I can't bear to see you hurt, and I changed you because I can't bear to live without you. I am so glad I did, though I should have waited. Because now I have you forever, angel. I can be by your side. Forever.

"I promise, I will never hurt you again. I will never torture you. I will never be the cause of your suffering. I love you. I always have loved you, and I always will love you. The life of a creature who should not exist is full of lies, Bella. I have told so many, but the most heinous- and least believable- of them all was telling you I didn't want you. I want you. I will always want you. In every single way. Do you believe me?"

"No."

The word sent a quake through my stomach and soul.

"I suppose that's your right. But I'm telling the truth."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

She smiled. "If you leave again, I will find a way to die. But I want you to stay. I want to live with you."

"I will never leave you. Not until you order me away."

"Like that will ever happen."

Bella was almost entirely healed. She lifted her head and smiled at me.

I spoke softly. "Thank you. I don't deserve this."

"I know you don't. But I love you. Just don't hurt me anymore."

"Never again."

She collapsed in my arms then, weary though she could not sleep, and trembled there for a second.

I deserve every name anyone could anyone call me. I am the cruelest thing ever born and yet I have been chosen to have the greatest gift ever- this girl.

I am a monster and a liar. I am a manipulator, preying on her love for me, a weakling too desperate to exist without her. I am a jailer, chaining my beloved to eternity, an animal, a beast who lives to feed. I am an imbecile, stupid enough to abandon her. I am an oath-breaker… I promised I'd stay as long as she needed me. I am the thief who stole her life and the sadist who watched her pain. I am the murderer who slew her, the egotist who believed he knew more of what was right than the one he loved, the thrall to her love, the fiend with the blood-red eyes.

I am all of these and more and yet she loves me.

Loves me.

Even though she knows what I am.

Nightmare.


	18. Angel

I stand at the end of my healing and look into his eyes. He has brought me so much pain… but I love him. He has betrayed my foolish trust… but I cannot live without giving it to him. I should take myself away from him, but I can't.

And he says he loves me.

And that's all I've ever wanted to hear.

"Edward." I say. That is all, just his name. And it is so wonderful that the name causes no pain, that I can say it just like any other.

"Bella," he whispers. "I don't deserve you."

I laugh. "I don't deserve you. I'm nothing. But while you're here… I might as well pretend you want me."

"I'm a nightmare, a demon, but I might as well pretend I'm what you think I am."

"All right."

"Agreed, then? We'll keep pretending until we realize that we're not pretending, that I adore you and that your love makes me more than a monster."

I smile. "Agreed."

And we laugh together. It is a perfect music.

He takes my cool hand in his. "Oh, Bella. You are so beautiful."

I wonder idly what my new form looks like. I suppose I am more than I was as a human, but still I can't compare to him. He is absolutely perfect. His eyes melt my heart as he closes the distance between us in a single step.

His long arm snakes around my waist and softly pulls me tight against him. And he smiles down at me.

Then he bends down and his lips catch mine.

I can't pass out now, but it's too much. I almost attack him, throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him as fiercely as I can.

And he doesn't stop me. He holds me against him, and it just doesn't stop. Neither of us needs to breathe now, so our kiss goes on and on. Finally, I break away reluctantly, realizing that I need to leave Charlie's house before he comes home and finds two vampires making out in his kitchen.

Edward takes my hand. "I'm sorry. You have to leave."

"I know."

I write a note with shaking hands.

_Dear Dad,_

_ I'm so sorry. I can't do this. I love you, but I can't keep living for you. It hurts too much, Dad. I need him so much…_

_ I can't breathe, can't think. Life isn't worth living without him._

_ I'm going to Los Angeles to try to find him, to talk to him. I'm not going to get over this, Dad. I hope you understand._

_ If he takes me back, I'll stay there with him. If not…_

_ I guess this is a suicide note._

_ I'll call you either way._

_ I am so sorry._

_ Love,_

_ Bella_

"There. I'll call him in a month. If you're still with me, Charlie will know I'm happy. If not, you'll have to kill me before you go. Or I'll go irritate the Volturi."

"I will never leave you again."

I smile. "Thank you. I love you."

"I love you, Bella. I have missed you and desired you and loved you and thought of you every minute. My life is nothing without you—you are my life. Will you, my dearest love, share forever with me? Will you be my wife?"

He produces a velvet box. I have no idea when he had time to go buy a wedding ring.

He opens the case, revealing a silver ring and an oval configuration of tiny diamonds. "It was my mother's," he explains, and I would cry if I could.

Edward slides onto one knee and offers the box to me. My parents are no longer an influence. There are no friends to laugh. I may have been raised to loathe the idea of marriage, but I was born to love Edward. This way I can call him mine with some sense of right. I smile and take the black box.

"Yes, I will. I love you."

"And I you." He slips the ring onto my finger and kisses my hand, then stands and kisses my lips again. "Forever."

I look into his glorious eyes, warm, alive, and see no trace of any lie. I believe him

I have won the thing I needed most.

I believe him.

I trust him.

He loves me.

He is mine.

No matter what else, he will always be one thing to me.

My Edward.

My Angel.


	19. Epilogue

"Daddy?"

"Oh Bella! Sweetheart! Are you all right! Are you alive… wait, I guess you are. Bella!"

"Calm down."

"Where are you? I'm on my way."

"I'm with Edward."

"WHAT!?"

"I'm with Edward, and I'm living, and I'm happy. I can't come home. I'm sorry. But I want you to know…"

"There's something about that Cullen boy, isn't there? Something you're not telling me?"

"Something I can't tell you."

"Billy mentioned something. I don't believe it, but…"

"I say nothing. I admit nothing. I can't endanger you that way."

"I'm never going to see you again, am I?"

"I'm not the Bella you remember… but I think I'm a better one. I know I'm happier. No, Dad, I'm never coming home. I'll call again, though."

"Soon."

"Soon."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I hang up and permit myself a single sob. Then I choke together my face. I still attempt to wear a cheerful mask. Edward loathes himself sufficiently without my assistance.

I will call Charlie, maybe tomorrow. The near-hysteria in his voice wracks me with guilt. I clutch my stomach… and then luckily glance into Edward's eyes. That dispels the pain sufficiently. He is so lovely. Inhumanly, perfectly, ideally.

And he is mine.

He loves me.

It is ridiculous, unbelievable, unthinkable, and yet he protests it is true.

He has spent three weeks proving it, and I think I believe him. I do not trust myself. If and when he leaves, I will not be surprised, and so the agony may be diminished. After all, I know now I have nothing worth trying to live for.

Except him. Except these eyes and this face and the love in them as he bends his lips to mine.

We kiss for a long moment, and then we break apart.

I am glad I called Charlie. It feels now that he is in some way present as we prepare to dress for our wedding. It will be just the Cullens, an affair speedily planned by the delighted and relieved Alice. Yet, it will be a full room, with Edward there, kissing me, vowing forever.

Forever.

The sweetest word. Forever. And after our wedding…

I smile the smile that used to partner with a blush. Edward notices and traces my cheek with a long finger. I shake my head, and he sticks his tongue out in indignant and silent reply.

Forever.

Perhaps there is more than one change. The fiery venom transforms body, but perhaps spirit also requires recompense.

He changed them both. I have been reforged, stronger, this time unbreakable. Neither fragile in body nor dependant in spirit.

Now, though nowhere like his beauty, I can feel myself something of his equal. Not as good or bright or beautiful, but at least as strong.

Confidence.

Rather a painful lesson learned, yet some good nonetheless.

Edward smiles at me and rises. He has to go change, I know, and yet I am reluctant to see him gone. As he goes, I whisper, "I love you."

He whirls suddenly, traps my face between his hands, and murmurs fiercely, "I love you. I love you today and tomorrow and forever."

"I forgive you," I say, and he smiles.

We are both finally free to love without pain once again.


End file.
